I have been taking Lexapro, an antidepressant, for about a month, a month and a half now. On just 10 mg I have seen a huge difference. I am so much happier and more confident then I was before, but of course my ED crosses my mind every now and then.
After eating dinner tonight, I purged most of it, but didn't have any bad feelings about it. That almost scares me, to be able to do that sort of damage to myself without even batting an eye. I didn't feel guilty after eating, or purging.
I have been started on Focalin Xr, for my ADD. The shrink wanted to try 10 mg cus that worked for my Lexapro, but the only difference I am seeing is an extreme loss of appetite (Not that I am complaining.... )
My parents are a bit worried about the whole extreme pickiness and loss of appetite, but quite honestly it isn't due to my ED. Of course, sometimes I do not eat when I am hungry just cus I can get away with it, but I am not constantly dwelling on it.
I am still dating J, and he is as incredible as always :) Plus, he is absolutely adorable in his marching band uniform ^.^ I am a bit worried that it is going to well, however. We rarely ever fight, and I feel like I sometimes manipulate and control him.
Just like I do to everyone else.
I cut the other night, once. One hard, fast, and long slice on my thigh. It was strange, seeing my skin slowly pull open like that.... I don't even really know why I cut.
My shoulder is getting seriously screwed up. Did I mention it before? It hasn't quite healed and I played 5 games straight (ouch xD) Soooo... Yeah. My physical therapist and mom is a little pissed T.T I swear, I will have a panic attack if they try to stick me in an MRI thing or give me a steroid shot. They will have to hold me down with handcuffs and fill me to the brim with Valium.
I have a friend I have known since first grade, and today we really opened up to each other. We are both pretty screwed up xD She wants me to help her reach her goal weight of 115 by keeping her from binging and keeping her motivated. I am not sure what to do... I really don't want to get back into an obsessive habit, but it would be nice to have some motivation to lose a few more pounds. Plus, if she doesn't binge she doesn't purge, and I really don't want her to hurt herself. I am still trying to figure this out.
Decisions, decisions.
In the meanwhile, I am am gonna catch up on all of y'all and try out losing weight WITHOUT getting obsessive over it!
I love you all, and thank you for sticking with me :)
<3 Wren
I'm so glad that things are looking up for you!! I hope that things can continue to get better for you. Xx <3
ReplyDeleteYay for Lexapro! When I took it I noticed a difference too. I was always angry and depressed and just out of control and then I took them and I was just a whole other person! I would just recommend trying to understand why you cut/binge/purge. They really are destructive and it's important to get ahold of the underlying things, even if you don't feel depressed right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear things are going good with your bf! It's okay if you don't fight. I don't fight with mine. We have great communication and don't come to that point. Maybe you're feeling unworthy or concerned about it too much or one of those reasons so you're sabotaging yourself?
Be good to him. If you feel manipulating and controlling try to talk to him about it or at least stop yourself. I had a phase of that (side effect of my ED) and I lost my first love.
In regards to your friend, I would not help her. If you manage to get healthy, go that way and don't look back. It's better to lose it and be mentally okay than be manic and have your ED. (From experience.)
<3
Aw, There you are ♥. Welcome back, I've really missed you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear the antidepressants are working for you, although I'm kinda worried about you didn't feel anything after eating / purging... but maybe that's just me worrying about the loss of emotions and thinking about it as danger. Be careful though.. especially when you start cutting yourself not knowing the actual reason..
J and you are probably an adorable couple ♥. I'd love to hear more about you two dating :D. What do you enjoy doing togehter?
Much love and a warm hug ♥
Claudelle