I.... feel amazing. I took a big dose of some random ADHD meds my friend(see previous post) gave me, so I am typing this at two in the morning chatting about deep mental stuff with my friend. Earlier, I was drunk for the very first time! I had about five shots of whiskey mixed with Diet Dr. Pepper, which tasted pretty damn good after the initial taste.
Plus, we had a wonderful binge together. We ordered desserts from Papa John's and ate other random yummy stuff around both of our houses.
I am going to regret this tomorrow xD
We finished watching "Girl, Interrupted" an hour ago, which got us in this whole discussion about Borderline Personality Disorder. I mentioned before that I have a high chance of developing it, if y'all remember. We both have all of the symptoms. The only difference is I am depressive and she is bipolar. Scary shit.
I did cut again recently, a few days ago. I was majorly depressed. My shoulder has been injured, so I haven't played polo in forever, and my team literally forgot I was on it. Apparently, even when my name was mentioned by a friend of mine, the person in question replied, "Wren who?"
So..... I was freaking out and slicing up my thighs, and made the idiotic decision to take a shower. In the shower that always overflows because it is clogged. I had to sit in the bathroom for twenty minutes waiting for the bloody, smelly water to drain and my thighs to stop stinging. Added to the scare factor: my father was working in the room across from the bathroom.
I told J, like I had promised to do, about it and he scared the shit out of me. He told me that if he ever sees a cut on me again, he will do it to himself.
He would cut himself for me.
He would get hurt, emotionally and physically, because of me.
Yesterday, I went with my friend, and we threw our razors over the bridge and into the river near our neighbourhood.
The most terrifying thing to me, second only to the thought of J hurting himself because of me.
My therapist, meanwhile, thinks I am making amazing progress. She doesn't know half of it. Our last few sessions have been more about my friends and boyfriend than really about me. Honestly, I feel better emotionally (thank you Lexapro!) but I am still impulsive, unstable, and interested in very dangerous habits.
I am supposed to purchase weed eventually for my friend and myself, but I have this fear I'll end up with crack-filled weed or something. Then I really will become that crack teen mom one of my friend's likes to predict I will become
In a very late reply to Claudelle... People do seem to find us adorable xD He's very cheesy... sometimes we will just be walking and holding hands, and suddenly he'll kiss my cheek and act like nothing happened. The first time he kissed me ended up being on the cheek when he lost his nerve at the last moment, haha :) He always calls at night, even if it is just to say good night. Whenever I act bitchy, especially about other people, he gives me this funny stern look and flicks my forehead, which never fails to make me crack up. We cook together quite a bit. When I found my Gameboy Advance (Yes, yes, leave me alone T.T) we spent the next week playing old Pokémon games together xD We argue all the time about politics and religion, but nothing that causes serious fights. Sometimes, my favorite thing to do is cuddle up in his arms and take a nap, or at least pretend to sleep.
Since my last post, I have been eating fairly normally. Occasional small binges, maybe one or two purges. Restricting is the most common thing I do, but since I need to take an NSAID, I have been eating breakfast. If I eat breakfast I will have some sort of uncontrollable eating. It always happens. Maybe when my shoulder heals up I can stop being so bingey. Is that a word?
I want to be a bellydancer. That would be so awesome.
Well, anyway, so sorry I keep disappearing! Thank you so much for sticking with me, and I hope all of you are doing great!
Stay strong and happy, and don't let your diagnoses define you.
<3 Wren
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