I am currently in the middle of taking some of the hydrocodone, and I feel better than I did all day.
For the most part, today sucked. Total paranoia, depression, and a panic attack during class. Part of it is probably due to me taking hydrocodone for the first time on Saturday (which was awesome, except for the family dinner. I didn't realize the drugs would make me so nauseated with just a bite of it.), an event I enjoyed way more than it is probably healthy.
I even had to miss jazz band today, which is one of my favorite things, and my nails did some pretty bad damage to my wrist.
I have been craving this all day, which really worries me. Luckily, after what I took today, I only have one more recreational dose. Maybe not being able to get to any will help me not get too far in.
Yes, I know this is a really bad idea. Opiates are addictive, and I really do need to talk to my psych. But being happy has never gotten me results. I have never lost weight while even slightly content with my life. I would be a sort of fake happy, but deep inside I still hated myself for being so weak.
Eve, thank you for your concern, but being happy and safe can wait until I deserve it.
Maybe, just maybe, I will actually deserve it one day.
Lots of love,
~Wren
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