Masochist

I think, in many cases of eating disorders, self control is just another word for masochism. Everything I look up that helps the most with my weight loss just breaks me down and makes me hate myself more and more.

Right now I am probably at the lowest point, mood-wise, than I have been in nearly a year. I am home alone, and for the last few hours I have been vomiting, cutting, sobbing, thinking up suicide methods, and staring blankly at the wall. After all of that, I feel nothing.

And this time, I am not going to call someone for help. I am not going to be weak and go sob on my boyfriend's shoulder, or even tell anyone that I was depressed. This time, I am going to hurt myself more than ever with my thoughts. I am going to tear myself down until I am barely clinging to life.

I hate being like this.

But I hate being myself, whoever that is, even more.

Maybe, if I can break myself down more than ever before, I can lose some weight and learn to love myself again.

Better yet, if I can do this, than maybe I will give up and give the world a break from this waste that is me.

I will give that final blow of suicide, and then I can stop hurting people once and for all.

There was some famous quote about being dead that I remember from somewhere, but I can't seem to recall it. I was trying to look it up and instead found this pretty little quote that I will use to close this post

<3 Wren

“The living are made of nothing but flaws. The dead, with each passing day in the afterlife, become more and more impeccable to those who remain earthbound.” 

-Anna Godbersen