Possible Personality Disorder

Life for me has always been..... like a pair of super cheap but awesome earbuds (I really don't want to be boring and say 'roller coaster'). When they get tangled, they suck and you consider finally throwing em out and buying some decently made ones. But when you wake up and they are perfectly coiled without a hitch to be seen, however rare it might be, you once again fall in love with their sound and keep them. Yeah. That describes it. I have tried to give up on life/myself before, but there is always that rare day where life is beautiful and full of wonder, so I decide to give it another shot.

I can never figure out if it is worth the trouble when the next day life is snarled and messy, but I keep hoping for those perfect days. Today, I am inspired to figure out who I am and give recovery another chance, but I am positive that tomorrow I will hate myself again and fall back into my depression. I will keep pushing people away and hurting everyone. I will give up on my promise and put my mask back on, hidden from the world in my chameleon suit.

I am scared, though. My therapist told me that if I continue the way I am going, I am guaranteed to end up with some sort of personality disorder. Life will be even shittier than it is now. At first I didn't think about it, but I recently finished the movie Prozac Nation. The movie is about a depressed girl, but I can see the personality disorder front and center, and it terrifies me that I will end up like that. 

Decisions, decisions. 

Aaaaaand, because I am horrible about commenting....

CJ: I always hate how I never get to read most of your posts until a few days after you post, and I want you to know that my heart goes out to you. I feel like I know you personally sometimes. And about emailing: I know I was emailing you at one point, but that was with an unused email. I will email you with my main one, since I always check it.

manipulated-life: Thank you very much :) My throat is much better, but unfortunately I passed it to my BF T.T Oh, and I hope you are doing well; you haven't posted in a while.

Eve: Thank you very much for your words :) The lexapro is starting to take effect, but only time can tell. And I want you to know that you are so inspirational for me. Oh, and that poem at the top of your blog? It's been one of my favorites for years. Good luck with life

<3 Wren