Chocolate Cake

Today could've been much worse.

Since it was a relative's birthday, we basically feasted on all sorts of fatty foods. For the first time in forever I had enough self control to not eat until the Feast.

Even then, I ate about half the amount, at most, as everybody else.

I ate: 1/2 a cheeseburger, 1 rib with low-cal sauce, bowl of salad with low-cal dressing, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes, not quite a cup of quinoa mac and cheese.

Let me repeat: Everyone in my family ate at least twice as much as me.

I live in a very foodie-family.

So, of course, it all had to go, and being the disgusting bulimic I am I purged it up into an empty Powerade bottle. As a side note, Powerade and Gatorade bottles are excellent ways to hide purging in such an alert family.

A few hours after dinner I ate some more (2 small ribs, 1/2 cup potatoes, 1/2 cup mac'n'cheese) and purged it once again.

The only food I actually kept down today: 3 strawberries and 2 small pieces of chocolate cake. I would purge the cake, too, but I haven't purged to the acid in so long my throat hurt too bad. For the past month or so, whenever I would purge I only got up about half of it.

I realized something strange while purging. I don't use a gag reflex to purge; like the fat cow I am I burp it up or something like it is cud. I tried using a toothbrush before, but I felt like I was choking and like my face was about to fall off. Yeah, weird, I know.

Genug damit! No more of this purging talk!

Today I was surfing the internet, taking random quizzes and all that fun stuff when I had a sudden impulse to check an old blog I used to know about, years ago. As I looked over the blog, mainly the "Tips and Tricks" post, which is still slightly in use today, I felt such a wave of..... Something, maybe nostalgia? I don't really know how to describe it. But it was strange. It kind of made me realize that I am sick of all this purging, and it's almost like that blog gave me the self-control to last most of today without eating, until absolutely necessary.

I don't know, but it was strange. I don't know if it is actually nostalgia, because I don't think remembering my past struggles with an ED is "longing for the past", but who knows.

I have decided that right now, I am going to do this right (Ok, ED-style right, not health-right) I will lose this weight, and I will stop purging. I think bringing back some of those memories has finally helped me learn to break this cycle.

How is everyone here?

Oh, and sorry for the long and disgusting post... I had to get those feelings out.

<3 Wren