Wtf?!

Life is so fucking confusing.

Ugh.

For once I am not going to rant about food and my weight on here (Unfortunately, I have been pigging out :P)

Today, for National Weed Day, I hung out with a few friends of mine after swimming(which hurt)

Don't worry, we didn't smoke anything.

This might get long.

I hung out with a close girlfriend who has gone through a lot of the stuff I have, and a guyfriend I basically met through her in class. Let's call her M and him J.

J is fucking confusing. I've always sort of liked him... He's really cool and nice, sort of cute, and can make me laugh more than anyone I have ever met. But, being me, I try not to fall too hard for anyone because there will never be returned feelings for me. Just a fact of life. So I never really looked too far into the texts he sent me when we would chat. Here are some things he would say.

-He thinks my abnormally small nose is really cute

-For some reason he thinks I have a pretty face

-He said I would look beautiful with flowers in my hair

-He would rescue me from being locked up and make me a princess

I never looked into it as something more. I just sort of assumed he sent that to any girl. I don't know... Something like that. So before J came over I was just hanging out with M and told her some of that. She started to insist that he likes me, which I deny, and we almost get in a fight over that. Despite the ice I try to hide my heart in, I started to feel ever so slightly hopeful. That maybe, just maybe, I could risk the fall.

I would have been content with never really knowing the answer, but M asked J when we were eating lunch. He said that we were both wrong and that was the end of it. Wtf does that mean?!

So the rest of lunch was sort of awkward. I didn't eat any more, and sort of just stared blankly ahead while M and J gave up on trying to talk to me and played Chopsticks. I felt really sick to my stomach for the following hour or so.

Well, we went back to M's house and hung out some more. I cheered up, we painted J's fingernails bright red, and did other childish teenager things. I actually had a lot of fun then. Every moment and excuse I could get I was in some way touching or demanding attention from J xD At one point, when he dared me to live up to my claim that if he keeps poking my sides or tickling me that I would bite him, I came close to kissing him, which would have been very, very embarrassing. When he and M walked me home, J and I skipped down the middle of the road arm in arm and played Chicken with passing cars.

Like I said, typical teenager stuff xD

Did I mention that he even shoplifted nice earbuds for me that I had said a few weeks ago sounded awesome?

We texted each other for several hours afterward, even though he was at some National Weed Day get-together. He might actually be drunk right now. Idk. When I didn't text him for 10 minutes, he asked if he had annoyed me. Did that mean that he was thinking of me?!

Ugh... That all looks like any typical teen novel xD Congrats for actually reading it all!

In other news..... I have a huge desire to try Adderall. It's been nagging at me forever; I am actually considering faking ADD (Or at least making what I already have seem bigger)

J is refusing to give me anything... He says it'll give me zits and that it'll "ruin my pretty face" xD

I really, really like him. And I really, really hate myself.

Especially since when I got home I pigged out. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could of been, and I would guess that my total consumed for the day is under 1,000 (Not to mention I burned around 700 from swimming), but it feels like a ton. For once, I actually can't wait for the weekend to end and school to begin.

I am currently at my lowest weight: 156.5. I am sort of shocked that I have come this far. For my BMI to be considered underweight, I still have to lose 33 pounds. Think I can do it? :P

Well, lots of love to all of y'all. It's time for me to read some blogs and the text J just sent me ;)

<3 Wren